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4/19/08 01:18 am - Late night thoughts....
I'm totally not feeling this night. it's lonely, it's boring, and the last thing I am is tired. I'm extremely unmotivated to do anything I need to do, as I know it wouldn't even serve as the distraction I'm hoping for. I haven't used this thing at all really, but tonight seemed a good time to do so. I keep this anonymous for a reason. I like writing, and I like not having to worry about who I'm writing for. None of you will ever know if you meet me. That's....pretty fantastic in its own way.
So! What's on my mind tonight? Boys, and college. What else? The weeks are slowly dwindling down until I have to decide where I'm going to more or less spend the next four years of life, and I'm not crazy about any of the places that accepted me. Now that the process of choosing and applying to colleges is over, I know so much more about it that I wish I'd known initially. I should do community college for a year to sort some more things out, however I care far too much about what others think of me for some reason and am ruling that out so people don't think I'm dumb. I can't even believe myself. When did my self confidence get so low? It's like lately I require so much help to exist.
Anyway, right now I'm listening to Elliott Smith (enjoying him, very much) and waiting for this boy to text me back. He starts these conversations with me, gets deep into them and then just stops texting me. It sounds very petty, and it is. We have developed, over the past months, a very deep connection to one another, but there are all of these games we have to play. He becomes evasive, or acts weirded out sometimes when I'm just being consistent in how we are with one another. He doesn't seem to know what he wants from me, and la-di-da, here I am! Playing along! i think I'm done with it, now that I've bothered to actually think about how ridiculous this is. I'm so sick of unhealthy relationships. Granted, a lot of the time, it's my fault things are unhealthy. However, this time, it is not. I shouldn't be with this boy anyway. Oh right, did I forget to mention that there's ANOTHER boy? Yep, this one has been an absolute angel in my life. We clash on so, so many levels, but at the end of the day, we just can't stop caring about each other. There are a lot of places lacking though, in terms of a relationship. We'd tried it for....2 years, and recently decided, or tried to decide, that things don't work, i.e., when I ended up starting to see mysterious-game-playing boy. So, which to choose? I think I'll leave them both behind!
It's definitely time to leave relationships behind. Since I was in 8th grade, I've been in more or less a serious relationship. I'm 18 now! Going to college soon. It's time for some ME time. I'm sick of revolving my life around love and its tributaries. I've been in two 2-year relationships, and since the most recent has just ended I've jumped into something serious with this evasive boy. What the hell? Can't relationships leave me alone awhile?
It's almost like I don't know what to do without a serious companion. I develop these best friend relationships with my boyfriends that are just so wonderful.
Don't get me wrong! I have girlfriends, and I love DEARLY what kinds of bonds women can form. There are some voids men just CANNOT fill!
I think that's it for this entry. What shallow and petty thoughts. In my defense, I'm very, very tired!
So! What's on my mind tonight? Boys, and college. What else? The weeks are slowly dwindling down until I have to decide where I'm going to more or less spend the next four years of life, and I'm not crazy about any of the places that accepted me. Now that the process of choosing and applying to colleges is over, I know so much more about it that I wish I'd known initially. I should do community college for a year to sort some more things out, however I care far too much about what others think of me for some reason and am ruling that out so people don't think I'm dumb. I can't even believe myself. When did my self confidence get so low? It's like lately I require so much help to exist.
Anyway, right now I'm listening to Elliott Smith (enjoying him, very much) and waiting for this boy to text me back. He starts these conversations with me, gets deep into them and then just stops texting me. It sounds very petty, and it is. We have developed, over the past months, a very deep connection to one another, but there are all of these games we have to play. He becomes evasive, or acts weirded out sometimes when I'm just being consistent in how we are with one another. He doesn't seem to know what he wants from me, and la-di-da, here I am! Playing along! i think I'm done with it, now that I've bothered to actually think about how ridiculous this is. I'm so sick of unhealthy relationships. Granted, a lot of the time, it's my fault things are unhealthy. However, this time, it is not. I shouldn't be with this boy anyway. Oh right, did I forget to mention that there's ANOTHER boy? Yep, this one has been an absolute angel in my life. We clash on so, so many levels, but at the end of the day, we just can't stop caring about each other. There are a lot of places lacking though, in terms of a relationship. We'd tried it for....2 years, and recently decided, or tried to decide, that things don't work, i.e., when I ended up starting to see mysterious-game-playing boy. So, which to choose? I think I'll leave them both behind!
It's definitely time to leave relationships behind. Since I was in 8th grade, I've been in more or less a serious relationship. I'm 18 now! Going to college soon. It's time for some ME time. I'm sick of revolving my life around love and its tributaries. I've been in two 2-year relationships, and since the most recent has just ended I've jumped into something serious with this evasive boy. What the hell? Can't relationships leave me alone awhile?
It's almost like I don't know what to do without a serious companion. I develop these best friend relationships with my boyfriends that are just so wonderful.
Don't get me wrong! I have girlfriends, and I love DEARLY what kinds of bonds women can form. There are some voids men just CANNOT fill!
I think that's it for this entry. What shallow and petty thoughts. In my defense, I'm very, very tired!
aggravated
productive